Laugh

Bad News

After her husband's checkup, a woman was called into the doctor's office. The doctor told her, "Your husband has a serious disease. There are several things you'll have to do for him, or he will surely die."
"Each morning," the doctor continued, "fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant to him. Make him a nutritious lunch for work, and a especially nice meal for his dinner at night. Don't give him chores, or that will increase his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him either. Try to relax him in the evenings by giving him backrubs. Let him watch his favorite sports on TV. And most importantly, satisfy his every whim. If you do these things for the next ten months to a year, I think he'll pull through."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.
"You're going to die."

Mother of Six

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party.
The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back...
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

You Like

Sometime after Bernie died, his widow, Rachel, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful, considerate, and wonderful man her late husband had been. "My Bernie thought of everything", she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Rachel', he told me. 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am gone, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Knowing you'll do this, I can rest in peace'." "What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked. The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket'. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably. "The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for when we began shiva". "And the third envelope?" asked her friends. The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'. At that point, Rachel held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, on which was a gorgeous ten carat diamond ring. "So?", said Rachel, "You like my stone?"

Younger Looking

My wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products.
Finally, when she was done, she turned to me and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?" I nodded my head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, honey, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, mmmm, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you're so sweet!" she happily exclaimed.
"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet."

Jump In

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"

Wife's Name

There were three men and a woman who all died and met with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
The first man steps up to St. Peter and St. Peter asks, "What do you want?"
The man says "I want to go to come into heaven." So St. Peter checks his list and says, "Well, you can't because when you were alive all you wanted was money. Money, money, money. You were so fond of money that you even married a girl named Penny!"
So the first man left and the second man stepped up and St. Peter said, "What do you want?"
The second man replied, "I want to come into heaven." So St. Peter checks his list and says, "Well, you can't because when you were alive all you did was drink. Drink, drink, drink. You were so fond of drinking that you even married a girl named Brandy!"
So the second man left but before St. Peter could ask the third man what he wanted, the third man says to the woman who died with him, his wife, "Well, let's go Fanny."

Missing

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

New Plea

At a jury trial with the jury consisting of eight men and four women:
Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea."
Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?"
Defendant: "No sir, when I pled 'Not Guilty' I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors."