Laugh

A man and his wife are doing yard work. The husband says to the wife, "Your rear end is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill. Then goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed, he measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!"
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

$800 a year

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?" "I'm going too!!" he replied. "Why?" She asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!

Go Girl!

Jake was on his deathbed.
His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."
He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep ."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I dated your sister and your best friend."
"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

Tonsils

A man approached his family physician and said,
"Doc, I'm afraid you'll have to remove my wife's tonsils one of these days."
The doctor pulled out the family's medical file and exclaimed,
"Why, I removed them six years ago! Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?"
"No," the husband retorted, "but you've heard of a man having two wives, haven't you?"

Third child

The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one just as if it's your own..."

Urgent

A guy walks into a bar. As he approaches the bartender he begins talking to his hand. The bartender asks, "Why are you talking to your hand?". The man replies, "I'm a businessman and my cell phone is installed in my hand." The bartender thinks this to be a little weird but says nothing. The guy asks where the bathroom is and the bartender points to it. About 30 minutes later the guy is still not back from the bathroom. The bartender goes to check on him. The man is sitting on the floor with his pants down holding a roll of toilet paper. The bartender says, "What are you doing?". The guy replies, "Receiving a fax."

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

One day a woman came up to her husband and told him that the TV was broken and she was missing her shows. "Does it say cable repairman anywhere on my forehead?" he asked. "No," she said. A few minutes later she came back and told him that the porch was breaking and it was dangerous. "Does it say carpender anywhere on my forehead?" he asked. "No," she said again. A few minutes later she came back and told him the toilet was backed up. "Does it say plumber anywhere on my forehead?" he asked. "No," she replied. A couple of days later he went on a buisness trip. When he came back he asked how things had been. "Well," she said, "our neighboor down the street came over and fixes our TV, repaired our porch and unclogged our pipes." "What did he ask for in payment?" he wondered. "All he asked for was a chocolate cake or a kiss," she told him. "What did you do?" he asked. She looked at him smugly and said: "Do you see Betty Crocker written anywhere on my forehead?"